February 5, 2005
Think about this:
You work towards this one goal in life, and as you get closer to achieving this goal, you see that it takes two different paths. Each path has its pros and cons, but you’ll be happy with either path. However, as time goes on, the initial path gets warped and you eventually stop caring because you decide you have everything you need in your life to be happy? Confused yet? Okay, well that path you stopped caring as much about suffers from a rock slide so that you have no choice but to take that other path, which you’re actually more happy about because you take the rock slide as a sign that the other path was what’s really meant for you. But there’s a plot twist. Path #2 weaves itself into a mess and leads to confusion and splits in 3 different directions. One way leads you off of a cliff. The other way is a loooooooong, slow, painful walk into hell. And the last way is true happiness. However, you must cross the first two to get to the last one. So you decide to take the cliff. You think you’re strong enough. But when you’re about to jump, a big DO NOT ENTER sign sprawls itself across the three paths, forcing you to return to where you started, goaless and utterly alone.
That, my friend is the story of my life. A huge ass mess. I’m back to square one, and the only way through is to cross a freaking mudhole. My family is moving away from VA next year when my dad retires, and I have no reason to stay here. But I got rejected from the school I wanted to go to, my dream school, which I didn’t really want to go to because I believed I had better things waiting for me here, but that’s not the case. So I screwed myself over. I can’t apply to any of the NY schools because it’s past deadline, and I don’t know enough about any of the west coast schools to make any rash decisions.
Note to you guys in relationships: Don’t ever base your life off of that significant other unless you’re positive that the both of you are heading in the same direction. Because it doesn’t work when you both want two different things.
I keep on telling myself that I can be strong. I won’t get bitter. And I won’t drink and flirt myself into oblivion. But right now I couldn’t care less. I’m taking a break today. I called in sick from work because I feel like shit and I’m an emotional wreck. I wish I didn’t have feelings. Because those things always end up screwing me over.
Don’t expect to see me at prom.
Dear Teenage Self,
You used to post passive aggressive statuses on AIM, didn’t you? In the form of obscure lyrics from songs written by 30-year-old guydudebros who wore black eyeliner (#creepy)? Because I have no recollection of what you were going on about in that horrible metaphor of a first paragraph, but I am assuming that you and AJ broke up again.
He is not worth it. And I’m sorry that it took eight more months of yo-yoing back and forth with him for you to finally realize it. But the moment you break up with him for good, you will never look back.
And your statement about relationships not working when you want two different things? Also holds true when you’re 22 and 27. (Current self: remember this note.)
You will be okay. Yes, your decision to apply to mostly in-state schools when you clearly wanted to move to New York and California will bite you in the ass. Yes, that decision probably impacted your career trajectory, but you know what? You’ll still end up having a pretty bad ass professional career throughout your 20s. You’ll network your way up through both the video production and higher education industries in Virginia, and the confidence you’ll gain through those experiences will give you the gumption you need to finally make the move to a major city and take it by storm.
You will get to where you want to be eventually. You’ll just take a little detour on the way.